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What if the Red Riding Hood fairy story were a metaphor for something? Perhaps
Or what if the Emperor’s New Clothes came alive at the Notting Hill Festival?
And who was that personified oversized egg, Humpty Dumpty? Did he fall, or was he pushed?
Our September task was to take a fairy story or a nursery rhyme
or similar and re-write it in character, time and place.
Pam Lawrence brought The Three Little Pigs up to date!
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What if the Three Little Pigs had won 1st, 2nd and 3rd cash prizes in a competition to enable them to build houses of their own?
The Woke World in 2023 and The Three Little Pigs
The 1st Little Pig
One of the lady judges, who was also a fervent RSPCA activist, resented the fact that her favourite had been beaten into 4th place. So, in return for certain favours, she discovered from the 1st Little Pig’s neighbours, that loud bangs during the night were not harmless pigeon scarers, but gun shots, killing badgers just because they were destroying his garden, cruelly eliminating hedgehogs and spreading T.B.
Having received advice from the ‘Me Too’ corporation in return for a share of the pay out, she arrived at the 1st Little Pig’s front door with a photographer friend. ‘Tripping’ over the threshold, she feigned a seizure. The ensuing, much publicised, photo which the 1st Little Pig claimed to be of him giving mouth to mouth resuscitation, was interpreted differently by the all-female jury. (A certain similarity perhaps to the case of the Spanish football President who gave the female Spanish Captain an ‘on the spur of the moment’ kiss on the lips?). The female judge involved in this accident also claimed that ‘she felt something hard up against her’. The 1st Little Pig declared that it was a wooden walking stick which he had picked up to assist her in getting up. The fact that the 1st Little Pig was discovered to be an old school friend of Russell Brand had no bearing on the guilty verdict.
The 2nd Little Pig
The Government’s ‘Green Department’ was asked, instead of ‘shirking from home’, to visit the 2nd Little Pig’s newly built house, along with Mr. Plod; it had reputedly been built from inflammable materials, straw and wood pellets. These should have gone to Drax Power Station where they would liberate tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, while pretending to be Green. The Government and Mr. Plod, armed with a search warrant, found no evidence of theft of biofuels but they did find a quantity of black face paint, a rainbow-coloured flag and a walking frame. The 2nd Little Pig was convicted of fraud as, in winning the competition, he had successfully exploited the diversity criteria for employment. The fact that the 2nd Little Pig had addressed the lady judge with the pronoun ‘she’ instead of the woke alternatives, had no bearing on the Stonewall verdict.
The 3rd Little Pig
This Little Pig had no chance. The Big Bad Wolf had already seen two of the laterally disadvantaged, appetising Little Pigs being led away in biodegradable handcuffs. He was by now extremely hungry and so climbed up onto the roof, disappearing down an opportune chimney. Before he knew it, he was in the boiling, scalding cauldron. He was however an excellent soup swimmer and escaped into the arms of the economy destroying ‘Elf and Safety’ Executive.
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